There is nothing worse than an irishman going after blatino ass.” -Kevin (Minneapolis)

O-kay, who’d like a banger in the mouth?  Right, I forgot, here in the States, you call it a ‘sausage’ in the mouth.” -Tobias Fünke “We just call it a sausage.” -Michael Bluth

If my family and your family met it would be like matter and anti-matter.” -Kevin (Minneapolis)

“52 feet of water is a lot of water.” -Kevin  ”Yea, we sit around sandbagging.  I didn’t sandbag of course because I had my neck in a brace, but I watched them sandbag on TV.” -Fargo

Fargo is the only city in the US where the chinese restaurants are run by white people.” -Fargo

We have a drive through liquor store up in the north of the city.  I’ve never been.  Heard nice things though.” -Fargo

Making Hot Dish is the only time in cooking where it’s acceptable to use two pounds of cheese.” -Fargo

People still think North Dakota is a part of Canada.” -Fargo

Downtown Fargo is essentially four blocks of bars and a pizza place.” -Fargo

Your body is made entirely of ice tea!” -Kevin (Billings)

That’s my gym.” -Missoula  ”Your gym is inside Jo-Ann Fabrics?” -Kevin  ”Yea, have you ever been in a Jo-Ann Fabrics before?” -Missoula

Missoula is a cornucopia of crafts.” -Kevin (Missoula)

We’re sharing death stories here, join the party of go home!” -Missoula

So essentially you ended a legacy of becoming a teacher in your family by shoving a q-tip in your ear?” -Kevin (Missoula)

My crotch was on fire but all I could think of was that my geodesic dome was broken.” -Spokane

Is it human possible for you to take a shower alone?” -Kevin (Spokane)

“I‘ve got a present for you.” -Spokane  ”Is it a douche?” -Kevin

Everytime I played the Oregon Trail all my people would die of dysentery.” -Kevin (La Grande)

They’re not going to let us on The Amazing Race if we get eaten by a cougar up here.” -Kevin (La Grande)

So your grandma lives in Yuma and is hoarding gold?” -Kevin (Boise)

John is no fake, he just doesn’t have anything to say.” -Boise

You show me a twink and I’ll beat him up!” -Kevin (Boise)

My uncle invented baby carrots.” -Boise

So your dad brings gay fish across the border into the US from Mexico.” -Kevin (Boise)

I can just see it now, people are going to flock to the comment page to ask me if I’m into Bears.” -Kevin (SLC)

They’re acting sorta like pumpkins.  Pumpkins with feelings.” -SLC

The LDS church has bought up all the land surrounding the temple so that they can build a new state of the art mall and safe space.  Sorta a sphincter around the temple.” -SLC

What’s your address?” -Kevin  ”Actually, I don’t really know my address.” -SLC

What’s up with the dude in the american flag pants karate kicking the street crossing button?” -Kevin (Laramie)

I’m not saying I’m pro-eugenics per say…” -Kevin (Denver -a-)

I can’t invite you in because i want you to piss yourself.” -Kevin (Denver -a-)

Republicans would have rather stuck that bridge up their asses then pay for it, but after 5 years those bitches will chain themselves to it rather than take it away.” -Kevin (Denver -a-)

Why is that father telling his son that the Hyena is a Lion?” -Kevin (Denver -b-)

Should I try some of that Dorothy Lynn salad dressing?” -Kevin  ”Dorothy LYNCH, not lynn, Lynch as if she’s being murdered in a tree.” -Edgar

So business at your Mom’s nursing home isn’t doing well?” -Kevin  ”Yea, people keep dying.” -Edgar

Do you go to Pooh Corner College?” -Kevin  ”That’s for kids, it’s a daycare.” -Edgar  ”Are you sure you don’t go there?” -Kevin

Pull over! Pull over! Pull over! I need to get the flu shot!” -Kevin (Edgar)

Are you even wearing underwear?” -Kevin (Edgar)

You can’t tell what size I am.  I’m wearing a corset.” -Edgar

Do you want to go next door and check to see if my sister’s kids are still alive?” -Edgar

You say penis?  Oh my god, I say penis too!” – Edgar

You almost killed me in the last 5 seconds of our date…” -Kevin (Wichita)

I almost killed my ex while driving to Minnesota.” -Wichita

So what you’re saying is Wichita is a great place to live except you get robbed.” -Kevin  ”Yes, but i’ve only been robbed three times, but that’s enough for me.” -Wichita

So your best friend doesn’t do drag?” -Kevin  ”No, he just likes to wear A LOT of makeup.” – Wichita

Betty White could take a dump on stage and would attract sell out crowds!” -Kevin (OKC)

So what you’re attempting is to park a giant SUV next to the Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial?!?” -Kevin (OKC)

Oh my God, I had completely forgotten about the Banjo Museum.” -OKC

Are we being discriminated against?  Is anyone going to measure my head?” -Kevin (Ft. Worth)

Why does the State Fair Big Texan look like an effeminate rapist?” -Kevin (Dallas)

Sometimes the kids are into it, sometimes they just stand around and eat their buggers.” -Ft. Worth

So you’re against cannibalism?” -Houston  ”Yes, I’m against cannibalism.” -Kevin

Why does this bunny hate me?” -Kevin (Baton Rouge)

It’s best to avoid the streets named after states, they’re the ones that are unsafe.” -Baton Rouge

You know it’s a great day when you got good weather and clean balls.” -Baton Rouge

This band is made up of a Jonny Cash impersonator, a drunk, and a bearded lesbian.” -Kevin “I’m pretty sure that’s a man.” -Pensacola  ”Oh...” -Kevin

I don’t find anything out of bounds for a first date discussion.  Ok, fine, poop and pee, we won’t be talking about those.” -Kevin (Pensacola)

Did you ever notice how Mr. Wizard had an endless supply of construction paper and steel wool?” -Pensacola

Damn these skinny jeans!” -Pensacola

I once got a reading from a psychic.  She told me I was going to contract AIDS and die.” -Pensacola

You were in a medical situation with cracked out Whitney Houston?” -Kevin (Birmingham)

I once met a pregnant woman who thought she was Jesus.” -Birmingham

If I lived here I’d get lost in my own house.  They’d have to send search parties to recover my desiccated, but mildly attractive remains.” -Kevin (Atlanta)

Look what my friends got me for my birthday.” -Atlanta  ”They got you a fist?” -Kevin

Sam Worthington’s skirt is right out of Catholic School Girl Porn.  I can totally see up and into his noony.” -Kevin (Atlanta)

Some people do porn because they want attention.  Some do it in order to feel good about themselves.  Some do it to show off or ’cause they need money.  I would never want to do porn because I am pornographically challenged!” -Kevin (Atlanta)

‘You have a bump?’ … ‘Where on my face?’
‘Are you into golden showers?’ … ‘No I take regular showers’
‘Stop grabbing my ass!’ … ‘You’re ugly!’ … ‘Then why did you grab my ass?’
” -Atlanta

Couldn’t the people of South Carolina have said ‘No we’re not going to elect a man who’s practically dead and pisses himself!’ ” – Kevin (Greenville)

I would not have been able to go to college if it had not been for shag carpets!” -Greenville

What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the Emergency Room?” -Kevin  ”A guy with no head…” -Knox  ”I’m pretty sure that a headless body is an untreatable condition.” -Kevin

I came over to help the woman get into a wheelchair and I noticed a baby was crawling down the leg of her sweat pants.” -Knox

Oh yea, I can’t believe I forgot my espresso.  I came in here desperately needing an espresso.  I’d like to order an espresso please, double if you have it.  Do you have espresso?” -Kevin  ”No!” – Knoxville waitress.

So what you’re saying is that your voodoo may or may not have killed Jeffrey Ross.” -Kevin (Roanoke)

Oh my god, $2.37 for gas!  They’re giving it away.” -Kevin  ”No!, they’re charging $2.37 for it.” -Roanoke

What in the world is he doing in there?” -Kevin  ”He’s fucking wearing white after labor day!” -Roanoke

Can we please go to the most homophobic bar in Roanoke?” -Kevin  ”Yes, Once Joe gets his emphysema under control.” -Roanoke

Regina, [bitch!] when the hell did you get that new car?” – Roanoke  ”Excuse me?” -Stranger  ”I don’t think that was Regina.” -Kevin

Oh my god, that shrimp is on fire!” -Roanoke

When you tried to describe that woman you looked like E.T. with downs syndrome.” -DC

My mother turned to the TSA agent and said ‘If you think I’d blow up these shoes you’re crazy, who would want to blow up these shoes, they’re manolo blahnik.’ ” -DC

That joke was not quite as good as Sarah Palin’s Vagina.” -Kevin (Washington DC)

Doesn’t that painting look like the crypt keeper’s tampon.” -Kevin  ”Maybe a used tampon.” – DC

It’s not a fun night unless you’ve got a Tammy Wynette record, some popcorn, and Dallas: The Board Game.” -Kevin (in Baltimore)

Where did we park?” -Baltimore “I’m sure it’s right down this street, I recognize that burned out old building.” -Kevin “Honey, this is Baltimore, that’s not exactly an accurate landmark.” -Baltimore

I was sitting around in my underwear during funemployment and thought what the hell, you look fairly cute.” -Baltimore

What ghost would want to come back and destroy Rue McClanahan’s iMac?” -Kevin (New York City)

You have not gone to the bathroom this entire day.  You’re a urine camel!” -Brooklyn

I wouldn’t dream of going to Central Park and making fun of African Americans and cripples, but I would definitely sit in on a KKK event just to see what it was like.  What does that say about me?” -Kevin (in New York City)

You can’t just say Ronald Reagan’s name on the subway!  A Tea Bagger could easily come up behind you and cut you!” -Kevin (in New York City)

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